Supported Transitions

So many parents ask me how to help their children with tough transitions, like leaving visits, childcare drop offs/pick ups, even finishing up an activity. Some kids will refuse to leave, insist on bringing items home with them, and become really dysreguated.

The brain prefers familiarity, so changes can activate that fear of losing what's familiar and comforting, which then activates rigid thinking, emotional dysregulation, and so on. We can support transitions by giving kiddos a predictable way to preserve familiarity into the next part of their day. 

If your kiddo seems to be struggling with transitioning from a place (childcare, school, family visits, play dates) or an activity (toys, coloring,, etc), here are a couple of options that would help:

• Take a picture of the place, so they can look at it later and remember it (if this falls within your family tech rules, of course). For a low-tech option, you can print the photo and invite them to decorate it at later (star stickers for their favorite spot / item, etc). 

  
  

• For a no-tech option, you can keep a sketchbook on hand (like in the car), and have them draw a picture of the next visit there. This gets them thinking about the future, which can help the departure feel less intense. This approach works best when you can take a few minutes before leaving, and do the drawing activity while you're still there. 

Here's how I would approach it:

In the moment I would...

1. validate the emotion (ex. "you really love it here, and it's hard to leave"), and

2. describe the limit (ex. "we have to go now") and then

3. give the options (ex. "we can take a picture of _____, or we can draw a picture of ____ - which would you like to do?)

For kiddos who want bring items home with them: Hanging on to these things is often their best attempt at emotional regulation - it offers them something familiar int the next unknown / uncertain activity, which makes the tough parts of leaving feel less intense.

In the moment I would...

1. validate the emotion (ex. "you really want to take this with you"), and

2. describe the limit (ex. "it needs to stay here") and then

3. give the options (ex. "we can take a picture of it, or we can draw a picture of it - which would you like to do?)

If you'd like to allow your kiddo to keep some the items they typically gather in transitions like rocks and sticks, you can keep a small box/container in the car, so they can collect an item from each special visit. Over time, they build a collection that feels special to him, like a memory box. This could become a predictable and comforting "transition ritual" that honors the comfort they find in holding onto something. If the clutter sounds daunting, I would do a clear out together, once the items have lost their importance - which tends to naturally decrease over time.